Kimato
Full Member
the greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return
Posts: 276
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2005 6:56:41 GMT -5
Post by Kimato on Mar 29, 2005 6:56:41 GMT -5
I know double-posting is a bad thing, but I was too lazy to scroll all the way down to modify. And anyway, these are exclusively dead baby jokes...if any of you are sickened...well...I guess I'm sorry.
What to vegetarian dingos eat? Cabbage Patch Kids
What is the definition of revenge? A Cabbage Patch Kid with a dingo in its mouth
What do you get if you put a baby in a blender? Hold on a second, and I'll tell you!
How do you fit a baby in a jar? With a blender. How do you get it out again? With nachos.
Okay, that's enough sickness for now. -Kimato-
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Lone Assassin
New Member
I have traveled the world searching, but I still search for my Destiny
Posts: 0
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Jokes
Sept 15, 2005 20:04:05 GMT -5
Post by Lone Assassin on Sept 15, 2005 20:04:05 GMT -5
Be grateful! These calculations took me 4 months to complete!!! Proof that Santa doesn't exist-for the more technically minded (note the fact I'm a ninth grader). There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. ;D Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them -Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, ;D exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years ;D) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. MERRY CHISTMAS!!!
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Lone Assassin
New Member
I have traveled the world searching, but I still search for my Destiny
Posts: 0
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Jokes
Sept 15, 2005 20:16:16 GMT -5
Post by Lone Assassin on Sept 15, 2005 20:16:16 GMT -5
After all that, we still don't know why the chicken crossed the road!
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Jokes
Sept 18, 2005 20:29:46 GMT -5
Post by The Pink Tyrant on Sept 18, 2005 20:29:46 GMT -5
Has anyone ever told you that you think too much?
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Rune
Junior Member
Posts: 186
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Jokes
Sept 18, 2005 21:07:28 GMT -5
Post by Rune on Sept 18, 2005 21:07:28 GMT -5
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all walk into a bar.
You'd think one of them would have seen it.
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Lone Assassin
New Member
I have traveled the world searching, but I still search for my Destiny
Posts: 0
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Jokes
Sept 21, 2005 21:55:03 GMT -5
Post by Lone Assassin on Sept 21, 2005 21:55:03 GMT -5
No, Electra. Other than Rune, no. (After modification at a later date, I now have to say yes)
Want to hear three blonde jokes?
Listen to Hanson!
Dude, I saw this one on the internet after I searched Phantomile on Yahoo!
But here's a real joke:
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
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Arlen
Junior Member
SOMETIMES DEATH COMES QUICKLY SOMETIMES DEATH COMES SLOWLY NEVERTHELESS IT COMES...
Posts: 110
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Jokes
Sept 23, 2005 11:11:38 GMT -5
Post by Arlen on Sept 23, 2005 11:11:38 GMT -5
This is a joke thread so if your not going to post anything funny don't post and once again catch a nice big glass of shut tha hell up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH yeah heres my joke for today. What do fat white women and bricks have in common? They both get laid by mexicans.
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Jokes
Sept 23, 2005 17:27:44 GMT -5
Post by Whitakker on Sept 23, 2005 17:27:44 GMT -5
Arlen, perhaps we should make a special joke thread where you can air your racist jokes. What think? (yes that was sarcasm there...)
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Lone Assassin
New Member
I have traveled the world searching, but I still search for my Destiny
Posts: 0
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Jokes
Sept 27, 2005 12:01:38 GMT -5
Post by Lone Assassin on Sept 27, 2005 12:01:38 GMT -5
Sorry Arlen. Let me try again.
Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal.
Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned. "Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world." "Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!" "That so?" answers Bill, "How about the president of the United States?" "Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave. "That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!" "Let's go!" says Ned. The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave. Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!" "J.P!" says Ned, "Let's go!"
When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.
"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says, "Ned. You're the most popular man in the world." "I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"
"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"
O-kay, aftfer waiting a few daysI've decided to pots a new one.
December 31st, 1999, Saint Peter called up to Heaven Bill Clinton, Colin Powell, and Bill Gates. He said to them, ''I've called you here because you are the 3 most influential spokepersons in the world. Go back to Earth and tell everyone there is a God, but he's blowing up the world tommorrow.''
So, Colin Powell went back and said, ''I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is a God and the bad news is he's blowing up the world tommorrow.''
Bill Clinton went back and said, ''Fellow Americans, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is there is a God, and the good news is he's blowing up the world tommorrow.''
Then, Bill Gates went down, gathered up all his computer buddies on the Internet and said, '' I have some good news. The first part of the good news is I've been voted one of the 3 most influential spokespersons in the world. The other good news is the Y2K problem is solved.''
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Arlen
Junior Member
SOMETIMES DEATH COMES QUICKLY SOMETIMES DEATH COMES SLOWLY NEVERTHELESS IT COMES...
Posts: 110
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Jokes
Sept 29, 2005 13:58:01 GMT -5
Post by Arlen on Sept 29, 2005 13:58:01 GMT -5
A little bit better L.A., and as for you whit I don't care about the sarcasm that you try to express, second off is that even a question? thirdly if you want to make a thread like that then be my guest but I'll probably still post jokes on this thread.
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Jokes
Sept 29, 2005 17:11:08 GMT -5
Post by Whitakker on Sept 29, 2005 17:11:08 GMT -5
Or, you could do something worthwhile, like post on your arena battle. It's just crazy enough to work...
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Dimitri
Full Member
Listen to the wind blow, Down comes the night. Break the silence, d**n the dark, d**n the light...
Posts: 235
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Jokes
Sept 29, 2005 19:47:47 GMT -5
Post by Dimitri on Sept 29, 2005 19:47:47 GMT -5
This bloody arguing is a pretty good joke in itself.
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Rune
Junior Member
Posts: 186
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Jokes
Sept 29, 2005 20:59:39 GMT -5
Post by Rune on Sept 29, 2005 20:59:39 GMT -5
Guys, stop arguing. Where's your ToP spirit? You should both be maliciously attacking our newcoming idiots, instead of wasting your time on each other. Come on, join in! We're having a moron roast, haven't you heard?
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Lone Assassin
New Member
I have traveled the world searching, but I still search for my Destiny
Posts: 0
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Jokes
Sept 30, 2005 10:18:15 GMT -5
Post by Lone Assassin on Sept 30, 2005 10:18:15 GMT -5
Actually, even to my standards, Sabrespade is quite smart. You can make fun of me, but do not make fun of Sabrespade.
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Rune
Junior Member
Posts: 186
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Jokes
Sept 30, 2005 15:40:57 GMT -5
Post by Rune on Sept 30, 2005 15:40:57 GMT -5
Funny, you say that Sabrespade is intelligent, but you immediately assumed that I was talking about him when I said idiots. I was actually thinking of Lusifor and you... oh well, we'll include him too.
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