Arlen
Junior Member
SOMETIMES DEATH COMES QUICKLY SOMETIMES DEATH COMES SLOWLY NEVERTHELESS IT COMES...
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Jokes
Mar 12, 2005 0:07:05 GMT -5
Post by Arlen on Mar 12, 2005 0:07:05 GMT -5
So I thought I would start this thread so people who need a good laugh can have one if you think your joke is funny post it and we'll all have a good laugh or at least a giggle maybe ;D Anyway here goes my first joke A old man is lying in bed with his wife when suddenly he lets this hug fart. "7-nothing"says the old man "what the hell are u talking about?" the old woman says "Were playing bed football!" the old man says. "Oh"says the old woman. so a little time passes and the woman lets a fart "Tie game" says the old woman naturally the old man was competitive so he starts straining and straining well after a while he craps his pants "I craped myself" he says to his wife. "Well whats the score for that" she replies "There is no score for that it means its the end of the first quarter time to switch sides"he retorts. ;D
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Arlen
Junior Member
SOMETIMES DEATH COMES QUICKLY SOMETIMES DEATH COMES SLOWLY NEVERTHELESS IT COMES...
Posts: 110
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Jokes
Mar 20, 2005 0:55:07 GMT -5
Post by Arlen on Mar 20, 2005 0:55:07 GMT -5
Well crapo Ya'll just aren't very funny people now are you but oh well I'll keep posting in here I guess just for fun. A Blonde,A Brunette,and A Redhead all walk into a bar the bartender goes what can I get ya The Brunette says" I'll have an ML" The Bartender took this as code and realized they were ordering in code so he slid her a Miller Light. The Redhead says"I'll have an MT" The bartender quickly concocts a Mai-Tai and slides it down to her. The Blonde says "I want a 26!" The Bartender says I'm sorry maam I dont follow what do you want? She goes of course you know what Im talking about The barkeep says I have no idea what your talking about DUH the blond says a 7and 7! ;D If anyone here gets this I'll be surprised cuz so far all I have gotten out of it was blank stares and people asking me what in the crap does that mean?
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Jokes
Mar 20, 2005 14:17:41 GMT -5
Post by Argis on Mar 20, 2005 14:17:41 GMT -5
...7 and 7 oh soo funny I could suficate. try this one on... Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. ! They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted his computer. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all gone!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?" God just shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."
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Arlen
Junior Member
SOMETIMES DEATH COMES QUICKLY SOMETIMES DEATH COMES SLOWLY NEVERTHELESS IT COMES...
Posts: 110
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Jokes
Mar 20, 2005 22:30:15 GMT -5
Post by Arlen on Mar 20, 2005 22:30:15 GMT -5
A priest, a rapist,and a pedophile all walk into a bar OH WAIT THEY ARE THE SAME GUY NEVERMIND! ;D ;D ;D
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Jokes
Mar 21, 2005 22:14:15 GMT -5
Post by Argis on Mar 21, 2005 22:14:15 GMT -5
parental discretion advised sort of....wait you where the one who made the football bed joke....And away I go...
15 Things to do at K-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time: (The last one cracked me up!) 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and see what happens. 5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 12. In the auto department, practice your "Mad! onna loo k" using different size funnels. 13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" And; last, but not least!) 15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
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Jokes
Mar 24, 2005 22:51:58 GMT -5
Post by Argis on Mar 24, 2005 22:51:58 GMT -5
come on Arlen God Is Missing
Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest. The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there.
The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing.
The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?"
The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend had followed him home asked, "what happened in there?"
The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!" 2ND one a blonde, a brunette and a red head. Walked in too a bar and the red head said to her friends hey have you heard the one about us... ;D
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Arlen
Junior Member
SOMETIMES DEATH COMES QUICKLY SOMETIMES DEATH COMES SLOWLY NEVERTHELESS IT COMES...
Posts: 110
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Jokes
Mar 25, 2005 13:22:09 GMT -5
Post by Arlen on Mar 25, 2005 13:22:09 GMT -5
A boy catches his father trying to put a condom on and walks into the room asking hey dad whatcha doin the father replies just trying to find a mouse that just ran across the floor the little boy retorts "what are you gonna do when you catch it f*** it?" 2nd A little boy asks for a bike and his father says no telling him that they have an 80,000 dollar mortgage and they cannot afford it the next morning the father sees the little boy with his suitcase and leaving the house where are you going the father exclaims the little boy says well last night i heard you saying to mom that that was it you were pulling and then i heard her say hold on she was coming to and there ain't noway i'm staying here with a 80,000 dollar mortgage and no bike to ride. ;D There's a little parental advisory for you all hope you laugh if you don't oh well maybe next set of jokes i can bring a smile to your face!
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Jokes
Mar 25, 2005 15:56:05 GMT -5
Post by leiasolo on Mar 25, 2005 15:56:05 GMT -5
A nun is sitting on a bench at the bus stop.
A man walks up and sits down beside her, scooting a little closer to her.
Man: "You know, it's always been a weird fantasy of mine to kiss a nun, just once. I know it's against your religion, but can I?"
Nun: "If you promise me you aren't married and you won't tell the church".
Man: "I promise".
*The man leans over and kisses the nun on the cheek*
Man: "The joke's on you! I'm married and I have three kids! I fooled you!"
Nun: "No, the joke's on you. My name's Mike, and I'm headed to a costume party!"
The bus comes and Mike gets on, leaving the man sitting on the bench with a bewildered expression. ;D ;D ;D
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Arlen
Junior Member
SOMETIMES DEATH COMES QUICKLY SOMETIMES DEATH COMES SLOWLY NEVERTHELESS IT COMES...
Posts: 110
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Jokes
Mar 25, 2005 22:37:58 GMT -5
Post by Arlen on Mar 25, 2005 22:37:58 GMT -5
That would Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk! but nice one
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Jokes
Mar 27, 2005 1:23:41 GMT -5
Post by Argis on Mar 27, 2005 1:23:41 GMT -5
no if his family was on the bus and saw it all... no that would sssssssssuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccckkkkkkkkk
A smart blonde, a stupid blonde and Santa Claus play poker, who wins? The stupid blonde because the other two don't exist. Im sorry if your blonde and or still belvie in Santa...lol don't sue me....
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Jokes
Mar 27, 2005 1:39:27 GMT -5
Post by Argis on Mar 27, 2005 1:39:27 GMT -5
40 Things Never Said By Rednecks/dixies
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen. 39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 38. Duct tape won't fix that. 37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. 36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 35. We don't keep firearms in this house. 34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? 33. You can't feed that to the dog. 32. I thought Graceland was tacky. 31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 30. Wrasslin's fake. 29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 28. We're vegetarians. 27. Do you think my gut is too big? 26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 25. Honey, we don't need another dog. 24. Who's Richard Petty? 23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 21. Spittin is such a nasty habit. 20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today. 19. Trim the fat off that steak. 18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 17. The tires on that truck are too big. 16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. 15. I've got it all on the C drive. 14. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled? 12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. 09. Checkmate. 08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? 06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 05. I don't have a favorite college team. 04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. 03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. 02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. 01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
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Arlen
Junior Member
SOMETIMES DEATH COMES QUICKLY SOMETIMES DEATH COMES SLOWLY NEVERTHELESS IT COMES...
Posts: 110
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Jokes
Mar 27, 2005 17:44:20 GMT -5
Post by Arlen on Mar 27, 2005 17:44:20 GMT -5
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted If a blonde and a brunette jump off a building with the same velocity, each travelling at a parallel speed relative to one another, who lands first? The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions. A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses. This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses' ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses. And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse. Why did God give blondes 2% more brains than horses? So they don't crap on the street during parades! A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.'' Why did the blonde get confused in the the bathroom? She is not used to pulling her own pants down What's silver and red and waddles into walls? A hungry zombie baby with forks in its eyes. What's bald, has big clacking teeth, and wobbles? A zombie baby wearing the dentures of an elderly woman whose brains it just ate. What's 18 inches long, red, yellow and makes women scream. A zombie baby chomping the head off the family parakeet. How do you put a zombie baby to sleep? Decapitate it, set it on fire, and scatter the ashes. What's grosser than nailing a zombie baby to a post? Watching it pull itself off and then try and eat you. What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and one of zombie babies? The bowling balls don't try and bite off your fingers when you unload them. One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here." There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face. Then he ran back. The guy with the box said, "I'll have another beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here." After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back. The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, the after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air. He said, "If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your pecker off." The leprechaun laughed and said, "Leprechauns don't have peckers." Then the man said, "If you don't have peckers, then how do you pee?" "By spitting," said the leprechaun. Now those are funny if you don't laugh you don't have a sense of humor!! ;D
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Jokes
Mar 27, 2005 23:19:39 GMT -5
Post by Argis on Mar 27, 2005 23:19:39 GMT -5
some i laugh some i didn't but here you go
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
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Jokes
Mar 28, 2005 0:06:05 GMT -5
Post by Argis on Mar 28, 2005 0:06:05 GMT -5
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"
This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.
So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room".
Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.
Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.
So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"
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Kimato
Full Member
the greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return
Posts: 276
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2005 6:43:34 GMT -5
Post by Kimato on Mar 29, 2005 6:43:34 GMT -5
What's more fun than playing tetherball with a baby at 90 mph?
Stopping it with a shovel.
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Recently, there was a problem at a middle school with the bathroom mirrors. The little 7th and 8th grade girls, having just been allowed to put on lipstick, would put it on in the girl's room and leave their little lip prints all over the mirror. Each night the janitor would wash them off, and each afternoon, there they were again.
Finally, the principle decided it was time to do something. She called an assembly of all the girls in the school to come to the restroom. Once assembled there, she said to them,
"Every day you children put lip prints on the mirror. Getting them off requires a lot of extra work for the poor janitor. So, we've decided to show you how hard it is for him to get the lip prints off every night, and maybe after this you will appreciate his work and not leave your lip prints on the mirror anymore." This being said, she signalled for the janitor to proceed.
The janitor promptly walked into a stall, stuck his brush into a toilet, and began washing the mirrors one by one, until all the lip prints were gone.
Since that day, there have been absolutely no little lip prints on the bathroom mirrors at the middle school. There are teachers...and then there are educators...
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What's worse than ten dead babies in one trashcan?
One dead baby in ten trashcans.
-What's worse than ten dead babies in a trashcan? 100 dead babies in a trashcan. -What's worse than 100 dead babies in a trashcan? The one on the bottom's not quite dead yet. -What's worse than that? She had to eat her way out. -And what's worse than THAT? She came back for more later.
Okay, okay, I KNOW that one is sick. That one is the reason that half the kids in my Spanish 2 class thought I should be wrapped in chains and placed in a padded room. But the reaction is funny. -Kimato-
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